


Touch has a memory

by QueenCow



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Is Trying His Best, Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Character Study, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired By a Sleeping at Last Song, M/M, Not Beta Read, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch is a Good Boyfriend, Self-Discovery, Soft Adam Parrish, Soft Ronan Lynch, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24623326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenCow/pseuds/QueenCow
Summary: When will I feel thisAs vivid as it truly isFall in love in a single touchAnd fall apart when it hurts too much?Touch. Skin on skin contact. The feeling of a body against his. Comfort.Also known as: Adam has a lot of feelings, Ronan is a good boyfriend and I cried while writing this.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 5
Kudos: 161





	Touch has a memory

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic in this fandom. Characted study of Adam Parrish, who has become one of my favourite characters ever. 
> 
> Inspired by Touch by Sleeping At Last. I recommend listening to the song while reading this. 
> 
> Not beta read, we die like men. 
> 
> Dedicated to Annaka, who introduced this series to me. Thank you for ruining my life ❤
> 
> Hope you like it. Leave a comment if you do!

_Invisible machinery_

_These moving parts inside of me_

_Well, they've been shutting down for quite some time_

_Leaving only rust behind_

  
  
  


Touch. Skin on skin contact. The feeling of a body against his. 

Up until now, all he knew about touch was his fathers' fists, his mother pushing him away. If he ever sought out comfort, he never received it. What he got were unkind words, cold glances, and that deep sigh that told him he was unwanted. 

Very early in his life, Adam learned to not need comfort. He learned that being weak only made the pain stronger. Whether it was the sting on his cheek or the burning shame from words, Adam learned to ignore this part of him, the small part of him that wanted to be held, to be told it was going to be okay. 

Even when Gansey told him it would be okay, after spotting yet another bruise on his skin, he refused to believe it. He was alone, on his own, and he preferred it that way. He knew it was unhealthy, but that was the way it had to be. 

Build a future, then worry about it. That became his mantra. _Build a future, away from everything._

Six years, three jobs, aching bones and an empty heart later, his plan was becoming a reality. He was _almost_ there. 

Then Ronan Lynch kissed him, and he was right back where he started. 

Even Blue hadn't affected him this way. Blue had been a breath of fresh air after suffocating. Instant, powerful, and in the end, just average. 

Blue was beautiful, kind and a good friend. She was everything but average. But that feeling she gave him, that feeling that he thought was love, turned out to be just that. Average. How could he think something like that? Was he a horrible person? 

Ronan was an anchor, grounding him and keeping him focused. Adam wasn't sure how he felt about that. 

That was a filthy lie. Adam knew exactly how he felt about that. 

He hated it. He loved it. 

He felt both weak and powerful at the same time. That ache inside his heart he had buried for so many years returned full force, begging for comfort. For touch. 

With Ronan, he didn't have to hide things. He had been there when Adam's father had pushed him, he had been there when Adam hit his head. He had been the catalyst to his freedom. 

He also beat the shit out of Adam's father, and an ugly part of Adam was happy about it. Finally his father had a taste of his own medicine, by the hands of a boy that Adam was now falling in love with. 

There was no way for Adam to deny his feelings for Ronan. He didn't want to deny them. He yearned for them, and yet he was shocked at how strong they turned out to be. 

But no matter how strong they were or how much he wanted them, it was still a big change he wasn't sure he was ready for. Being vulnerable was something Adam never allowed himself to be. When he was with Ronan, Adam wanted to lower his head. Be weak. But that voice inside his head always returned, making sure Adam knew his place. 

_Unknowable. Unwanted. Ugly._

The first time Ronan held his hand, Adam pulled away. It was an act of pure instinct. Ronan looked shocked for only a second, before nodding. Adam half expected Ronan to curse at him, accuse him of being ashamed or scared of him. Instead, Ronan was silent, and held out his hand for Adam to take. 

That action flooded Adam's heart with emotion. No one ever showed Adam that kind of patience before. No judgement, no snide remarks. Just an offering. 

Adam took his hand in the end, slotting their fingers together tightly, silently thanking him. The smile on Ronan's face had been something Adam had never seen before. 

They then turned back to their friends, who just smiled at them. 

"Pervs," Ronan had said, his ears turning red. But he held Adam's hand anyway, rubbing his thumb across his skin. 

Adam still flinched when Ronan touched him. He hated himself for it, but Ronan never held it against him. 

When Adam asked him about it, Ronan just shrugged. 

"It doesn't bother you?" 

Ronan didn't look away from the road. "Work in progress, right?" 

And Adam fell in love with Ronan a little more. 

He wanted to be better, but knowing Ronan understood meant everything. Adam worked hard on that part of him, and Ronan made sure Adam always saw him before touching him. 

_All I want is to flip a switch_

_Before something breaks that cannot be fixed_

Ronan's skin on his made Adam tremble. Not with fear. It was like a fireplace after a snowstorm, like a glass of water after running. It was intense, and Adam never got enough of it. It made him feel greedy, like he could never have enough. Maybe it was the same for Ronan, but Adam was afraid to ask. 

Did Ronan feel like dying when they weren't touching? Did he ache and yearn like Adam? Was he unable to sleep when they were apart? Did he need Adam, like Adam needed him? 

Was Ronan as in love with Adam, as Adam was with Ronan?

Sometimes when they kissed, when Adam lost control of his heart, he felt like Ronan did feel the same way. His hands would map out every inch of skin they could reach, his fingers would bruise Adam's skin in the best way possible. His mouth would litter Adam's neck with kisses, sometimes biting softly into flesh, and Adam could only hold on and _feel._ What Ronan never said out loud sounded so loud on his skin. 

Adam wanted to do the same, to make Ronan feel like that too. He wanted to worship Ronan. But he was afraid. Comfort was something Adam told himself he never needed, so he never understood it. How could he show Ronan comfort, if he didn't know what it meant? 

_I know, I know the sirens sound_

_Just before the walls come down_

_Pain is a well-intentioned weatherman_

_Predicting God as best he can_

_But God I want to feel again_

Driving to the Barns was second nature by now. It felt like going home, although he was just visiting. The voice in the back of his head whispered to him, _you don't deserve this_ , but Adam ignored it. 

He parked his car in the driveway and got out. Opal was nowhere to be seen. It was late, so she was probably sleeping. 

The house was quiet, save for the sound of Ronan taking a shower on the second floor. 

Adam busied himself, cleaning the dishes after eating the leftovers Ronan had left for him. Soon enough, the sound of water stopped, and Adam started his walk up the stairs. He took his time, knowing he didn't need to hurry, but not wanting to wait for Ronan to meet him downstairs. 

He got to the door to Ronan's bedroom and looked inside. Ronan was putting on sweatpants, the towel still over his shoulders. The tattoo on his back seemed to glow against Ronan's skin still wet from the shower, and Adam couldn't look away. A warm feeling spread through Adam's stomach, and his breath caught in his throat as Ronan grabbed the towel and dried his neck. The arch of his spine, skin stretching over muscles, the tattoo almost seemed to come alive. 

Ronan was so _fucking_ beautiful that Adam's heart hurt. 

Ronan turned then, starting slightly when he saw Adam, his lips stretching into his sharp smile. 

"Hey, didn't hear you come home," he said, walking up to Adam, tossing the towel in the direction of the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of the room. 

Adam, who had been focused on Ronan's bare chest, raised his gaze and rolled his eyes seeing the teasing glint in Ronan's eyes. 

"Eyes up here, Parrish," Ronan grunted, leaning against the doorframe. Adam raised his hand and slapped his shoulder. 

Ronan's skin was still warm from the shower, and Adam felt his own skin tingle. 

He was greedy, and he needed more. 

Adam placed his hand over Ronan's heart, feeling his heartbeat. It sped up slightly, and Adam felt his cheeks flush slightly. 

How was this his life? He was two months away from going to college, building a future. But he wasn't worrying about it later. It was right in front of him, warm and welcoming. 

It, the comfort, the warmth, the burning need inside his heart, it was already his. 

Adam looked up at Ronan, those kind eyes looking down at him, the eyes that told him it was okay. And Adam believed them. 

Ronan never pushed, but Adam wanted him to. To take instead of giving. 

Maybe that was comfort. Needing to take from someone willing to give. 

Adam trailed his hand up to Ronan's neck, where Adam had once grabbed and held too tightly. The bruises were gone, but Adam could still see them. 

"It wasn't you," Ronan whispered. "It was the demon." 

"I know," Adam whispered back, his eyes tearing up. Always so understanding, so solid and considerate. So kind. 

Adam trailed his hand down to Ronan's stomach, taking pride in the goosebumps appearing on Ronan's skin. Ronan's abs tensed as Adam stroked his hand over them. Ronan raised his hand slowly and grabbed Adam's, bringing it up to kiss his palm. 

Adam felt a tear roll down his cheek, but he felt no shame. He knew Ronan understood. 

Touch was important to him. Going through his entire life without it, Adam felt starved for it. And Ronan didn't mind that. 

Their eyes met, as Adam raised his other hand to his shoulder. His spine tingled, his heart stuttered. Heat pooled in his stomach as he leaned closer, letting both his hands grab onto the back of Ronan's neck, stroking over his shoulder blades, down to the small of his back. He leaned forward and kissed Ronan's collarbone, breathing him in. 

Comfort. Soap. The smell of Ronan's body that always made Adam relax against him. Ronan didn't move, his breath shaking as he exhaled. 

The air was suddenly heavy, electric. Only Ronan could make him feel this way. Only he could make Ronan feel this way. And Adam was greedy. 

Every nerve in his body tingled as Adam traced his hands lower, resting on Ronan's hips. Ronan trailed his hand up Adam's arm, leaning against him. 

_I love you._

That's what Adam was trying to say against Ronan's skin. Ronan jolted when Adam bit his neck gently, letting out a low sound from the back of his throat. A hand grabbed the hair on the back of Adam's neck, and Adam knew Ronan understood when he was saying. 

_I love you too_ was what Ronan meant when he kissed Adam. It was such a gentle kiss, and it made Adam's head spin. 

_I need you_ was what Ronan meant when he pulled Adam inside. 

_I never want to lose you_ was what Ronan meant when they tumbled onto the bed. 

_I'm yours forever_ was what Adam meant when he let Ronan push him down on the bed. 

In the end, they said more through touch than with words. With Ronan's face pressed against his neck, his arms around Adam's stomach, Adam kissed his forehead. 

Words weren't needed, when Ronan's skin was against his. 

_Down my arms, a thousand satellites_

_Suddenly discover signs of life_


End file.
